my actual biggest secret
This flower is called Exotic Love-in-the-Mist. I’m growing it for our wedding.
Today I’ve decided to share my actual biggest secret with you, the thing that I don’t want people to know about me, the fact that I'm most embarrassed to admit.
Here goes:
I don’t work that hard.
I am exceedingly well-rested. I am also well-stretched and well-leisured. I have been for about two years now. I wake up when I want to, relaxed in my bed, and start my day with yoga. I nap regularly. I do crossword puzzles, I read novels, I visit the creek a few times a week to splash and study moss. (study = peer with curiosity). I even get monthly acupuncture and massages -- a goal that, in the past, felt impossible.
When I feel stressed or overwhelmed about work, it’s not because I’m working too hard: it’s because I’m not managing my time well or I’m not focusing — or because I’ve been Having Emotions/doing spiritual work and thankfully I’m self-employed so I can take time for that.
Life was not always like this for me.
I have a very strong work ethic, and I put that to good use in my teens and twenties: overloading courses in college while writing 2 theses and getting my yoga teacher certification, followed by working 12-hour days of manual labor as a veggie farmer, then balancing multiple jobs for the first 4 years of Locust Light (I’d work a full day gardening on other people’s properties, then come to the farm afterward, take a 20 minute nap, and work til dark).
My days of overwork featured highlights such as falling asleep on the spiral staircase that led up to my bedroom, falling asleep on the bathmat before getting into the shower and -- once -- falling asleep while driving at 1:00 in the afternoon and crashing my car through a wooden fence, wooden beams piercing every part of the car except the precise place that I was sitting.
If there were such a thing as “dues” that needed to be paid before running a thriving business, I feel confident that I’ve paid them.
And yet, for years, my biggest fear was that people would think I was lazy. That was my fear: that someone would think I wasn’t hard-working.
My escape from overwork is a secret that I tend, something I'm embarrassed that others might know. I've managed to craft-and-create my way out of it, and yet I'm still guarding it as a secret.
We all live in a culture that prioritizes overwork and busyness. I’m from a line of dairy farmers and I became a veggie farmer right after college, so I took the “overwork” to the next level. “Lazy” = undeserving. “Exhausted and burnt out” = deserving. (deserving... of things you'll never get to enjoy because you're too exhausted.)
These are actual reasons why I’m nervous for you to know that I don’t work too hard:
> If I’m not overworked, will I have the right to set boundaries around how I use my time? Am I allowed to say no to people?
> If people know I’m not overworked, will they be hurt if I say no to something?
> If I admit that I don’t work too hard, will people think I don’t have the right to run a farm business?
That sounds ridiculous when I type it out, but I suspect that you’ve felt the same worries deep in your psyche.
Why am I bringing this up right now?
Next week, registration opens for my course, Ritual & Potion. Ritual & Potion is about potion-making, of course. It’s a way to learn how to make medicinal and magical extractions of all kinds.
But Ritual & Potion has another facet: it guides you through the alchemical process of connecting to your Purpose. In the program, I guide you through the exact steps that I've used to craft a Purpose-oriented, honest* life.
This morning, I was reflecting on why someone would want to connect to their Purpose, and I realized: I don't work too hard. That's why.
Not working too hard is the ultimate reward, the best possible result that I've achieved from this process. I have arrived.
Trust me, there are things I'm striving for (or, specifically, one big thing that looks like an herbal homestead & education center featuring colorful meadows, forest cultivation, and sensual pleasure gardens). I haven't arrived at the exact place I'd like to be (yet.)
But in the meantime, I'm enjoying life. I'm not working that hard. I have freedom in how I use my time. What else is there to desire?
I'm working the exact amount of time needed to run my business while also making time to do word puzzles, splash around the creek, cozy up with John and the cat, plan our wedding, and SLEEP. With a few bonus naps & herbal face masks mixed in.
Yes, I'm striving, but I'm enjoying life along the way.
And THIS is possible because I am tapped into my Purpose. Not only am I tapped into my broader, lifelong Purpose -- I'm tapped into my honesty* in a way that helps to guide my daily decision-making and my weekly schedule.
So I ask you: what would be possible for you if you were so tapped into your Purpose that your whole life was oriented around it?
Please tell me -- I really want to know. And, while you're at it, if you feel like sharing your biggest secret, I'd be open to hearing that, too ;)
yours in ample rest,
Amanda
*we'll talk more about this honesty in the next post.
P.S. want to get a taste of what it's like to blend the crafting-of-life with potion-making? Reserve your spot in the free workshop I'm teaching on Tuesday.